14-Oct-2023

Do you ever get that feeling where it's not sad, it's not happy, it just is. That empty, void "state" where it's just.... nothing. You don't feel particularly sad, it's just numb. And you wanna stay there maybe forever? I did some research (first google pages) once and I think they call it "anhedonia" or something like that.

It's when you don't feel pleasure no more especially in things you used to ennjoy. I'm not sure If I've grown and things have just changed OR it's really anhedonia hitting me. Or maybe it's disassociation, some kind of coping mechanism to run away from all stress (even though I never think I got "too much too handle") that does't mean I don't got too much to handle.

Cool, this sounds like an interesting discussion I'm willing to have with a psychologist, but there's a problem that needs to be solved first: ,Find a good psychologist.

Can you even decide who is a good psychologist if you're not one yourself? can the mere thought of "them being a spychologist and hence better than me not being a psychologist" be good enough to go ahead with it? Or you need to find someone "good enough" and what does that even mean? what's the objective measure? Yeah... you get it.

Part 2: Self diagnosis and exploration

Let's see, sometimes purely songs or music causes this. Is the song/music trigerring some old "situation" that causes this? I can't think of one. Ah now I remember, there was this japanese mathematician that had a similiar thing, he explained exactly the same feeling he'd get or constantly have? and it went something like I'm not depressed or anything, I don't really understand the cause of my suicide, he couldn't point it to a specific incident or something like that but he was really tired mentally and physically. I don't think I'm tired mentally or physically, but you see I don't know why this state exists.

Perfect description? think of being in space, in a space shuttle, complete quiteness in the void, and just being still (you physically) and drifting slowly with no specific direction to nowhere and just observing, feeling.....it? a state where nothing exists but maybe thought or just observing the universe?